By Lauren Silverstein

Sentry Staff Reporter

Rejection is a part of life, and there are even those who believe it goes on after death (hello, hell). For most, rejection usually comes in response to: a) an employment offer, b) a romantic offer or c) some profoundly unethical combination thereof. In youth, it may seem as though the world is everybody’s massive oyster, and that opportunities will eagerly present themselves. The college rejection letter is typically the first pin to puncture many young adults’ inflated hopes—particularly when it is coming from that one school they knew they desperately wanted to attend.

Rejection hurts, but you know you cannot stay in the basement forever, watching Duck Dynasty through your tears. It is time for you to move on, but how? For the benefit of the would-be college-bound, I have compiled a brief yet informative Guide to Dealing with College Rejections. The coping tactics listed herein span the range from practical to borderline delusional, but all aim to put you, the distraught and trembling reader, back on the life-success horse. Note: spurs not included.

For the down-to-earth type: Say “bummer.” Repeat for several minutes, and resume your life as though nothing happened.

For those who prefer sailing down denial:

Beginner—Pretend the letter of rejection is one of acceptance. Tell yourself this, and allow for some joyful leaping. Then, quietly acknowledge the true outcome of events, and resume your life as though nothing happened. Be environmentally-conscious and compost the letter; if you received notice of your rejection via email, do not compost the computer. Flip it for profit.

Intermediate—In addition to telling yourself of your “acceptance,” tell your immediate and extended family, friends, classmates, teachers, vague acquaintances, innocent passerby, your representatives in Congress, and people selected at random from the telephone directory. Then, resume your life as though nothing happened, and spend the next ten years steeling yourself for your reunion.

Sensei—This stage of denial works best at larger institutions, or schools in urban areas. It is also known as “taking auditing a bit too far,” and may necessitate the purchase of camping equipment. Show up on campus for what would have been your first semester. Obtain a sweatshirt (or several) bearing the offending university’s name, seal, mascot, shield, or motto. Acquire textbooks for purposes of camouflage, and attend only large classes where you can escape detection. Adopt multiple personas, each with their own name, back-story, accent, major and disposition, in order to baffle attempts at identifying you. Note: if you have sufficient knowledge of a different culture, you can circumvent the confusion by pretending to be a foreign student. Do not interact with real foreign students, and do not make up a country of origin.

Shortly after “graduation,” if you have lasted that long, ask to borrow a gullible friend’s diploma. Photocopy it (bearing in mind the paper sizes and quality at your local copy shop) and proceed to acquire forged documents that match the name on the diploma. Frame and hang prominently, or purchase a refrigerator unit and some magnets that suit your personal decorating tastes. Congratulations.

For those who are distraught to the point of tears, but are prepared to move on: you can employ reverse psychology to vent your frustration and anxiety. Reject the college: draft a vague, impersonal and falsely sincere letter to the school, detailing the difficulty you had in deciding to eliminate them.

“Dear (offending college),

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to offer you my illuminating, all-wise presence on campus this coming fall semester. I realize that this probably does not come as a disappointment to you, which indicates the extent of your delusion. While you clearly are capable of providing me with a quality education, I am sure you were aware that this year was a very competitive one in choosing where to enroll the beacon of greatness that is me. Many qualified institutions of postsecondary education have yet to get back to me, and I am afraid I had to make some very tough decisions. I wish you success in your future, although I realize that this will be unlikely without me in it.”

Sincerely,

(your name)”

For those who see the glass as half-empty: Accept the prospect that there could be many more rejections to come, and begin looking into careers that do not require advanced degrees. Some job titles, like ranch-hand or reality show contestant, ask for little to no certification or experience and are ideal for those who prefer a nontraditional work environment. Other potentially lucrative professions are easily attained through training courses or two-year programs. A noteworthy option is mortuary science, which is well-suited to those who enjoy working with people only up to a point. If that fails to entice, there is always the food industry. Note: in either of these fields, be sure to wash your hands.