Regardless of what holiday you celebrate, the winter holiday season is one that is full of joy, cheer and giving. Truly, there’s nothing like seeing the expression on a loved one’s face as they open the gift that they have been wanting for as long as they can remember. Perhaps the gift set you back financially, perhaps it was difficult to find, perhaps it just cost you a great deal of embarrassment to purchase – but nonetheless, you followed through and the result is as beautiful and full of excitement as you had hoped. But what if a loved one has not made their dream gift known? What if, even, when deliberately asked what they would like to receive this holiday season, said loved one responded with some annoyingly vague response, such as “I don’t know,” or “Oh, please! You don’t need to get me anything.”? What are you to do under such circumstances? The answer is to take matters into your own hands and, in an act of unmitigated pettiness, find them a gift that they are sure to remember for years to come. So, without further ado, here are five gift ideas to help you take revenge on the frustratingly ambiguous recipient.
Number One: A Gift Card to Blockbuster Video
While Blockbuster officially ceased operations in November of 2013, there is still one truly resilient store left in the small town of Bend, Oregon – meaning that while exceedingly hard to find, gift cards to the former video rental giant are still available. This makes a Blockbuster gift card the perfect revenge gift; while technically being worth something, it would be virtually impossible to do anything with it.
How to really make the gift shine:
When the recipient doesn’t redeem the card, act as if you are extremely hurt and offended and insinuate that they did not like the gift. Continue to hold this attitude until you eventually guilt them into traveling to Bend, Oregon for two days in order to rent a movie with the card and then return it the next day. The vast majority of the gift cards available for purchase also hold no value whatsoever, so the trip will also be a complete waste.
The best place to acquire a Blockbuster gift card is eBay, where there are multiple listings available.
Number Two: A Mariachi Band That Follows Them Around for a Day
In this cold, desolate world, there is nothing like a little music to liven things up, and surely someone who would be so shrewd as to not specify what gift they would like to receive might benefit from a change in attitude. Thankfully, you can add a little spice to their life by hiring them their own personal Mariachi band to follow them around for a day. The band will play all the great cantina hits that are sure to boost the recipient’s mood, usually for a negotiable price!
How to really make the gift shine:
Rent out the band for as long as you can possibly afford. One day, two days, a week, a month – the possibilities are endless! The only thing deciding the amount of time that your loved one suffers/is serenaded is the figure in your bank account. Additionally, you can instruct the band to only play Tequila by The Champs.
Somewhat surprisingly, Mariachi bands are actually quite easy to book. They can be found on an abundance of for-hire performance websites such as gigsalad.com.
Number Three: Narrate Their Life and Compile a Report
It has always been said that the best things in life are free, and for the penny-pinching gift-giver, the same is true for gifts. This holiday season, you can give your friend the once-in-a-lifetime experience of seeing their own life through another person’s eyes. Follow them around for a day, narrating their every action and watch the joy and simultaneous terror on their face as you whisper sluuuuurrrrrrrrp as they eat the soup that you’ve bought for them. Watch them slowly descend into insanity at the dinner table as you let out a boisterous CHOMP! with every bite that they take into the succulent Christmas ham. Bask in their quiet horror as you make your best guess at their inner thoughts known to your fellow passengers on the subway – once again, the possibilities are endless! Finally, at the end of a long day of narration, compile a report of your observations, complete with poetry, vivid descriptions of their behavior and personality, as well as a full psychoanalysis of their mental state (preferably co-authored by a renowned behavioral psychologist) and present it to them in a spiral-bound, laminated booklet sure to be the new centerpiece of their bookshelf.
How to really make the gift shine:
Rent an FBI agent costume and follow the report’s recipient around from a distance whilst still making your presence known. Speak all of your narration into a walkie-talkie while making strong eye contact, and urgently half-whisper “suspect is on the move!” into said walkie-talkie whenever they begin to move. If all of this is too troublesome, try to do your best Morgan Freeman voice when narrating.
Number Four: A Bag Full of Counterfeit United States Dollars
One of the more popular gift ideas born out of a lack of inspiration is to simply give cold, hard cash as a gift to a loved one. But, if that loved one has scorned you, perhaps by being ambiguous about their preference for a gift this holiday season, maybe they do not deserve real cash. Instead, you can watch the look of utter glee and surprise on their face when you hand them an enormous burlap sack filled to the brim with stacks of hundred dollar bills. Now, while you could let them spend the money on splurges such as a new phone, a fully-paid mortgage and a nice car, you would be running the risk of leaving hard-working business owners in financial ruin. Instead, encourage them to deposit the money in a savings account (not offshore, or else the result will not be nearly as amusing) for “safekeeping.” As soon as they attempt to deposit the enormous amount of cash (which will immediately be a red flag for the clerk behind the counter), it will almost certainly be spotted as counterfeit and they will be arrested for possession of counterfeit currency. After a lengthy arraignment and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, your loved one will potentially serve up to 20 years in a federal prison, teaching them a lesson about specificity that they will never forget. As a bonus, their inability to navigate a technologically and socially advanced world upon their release will be utterly hilarious.
How to really make the gift shine:
Instead of just handing the gift to your friend on Christmas morning, get a few friends together who all own ski masks, pile into a 2005 Chevrolet Impala with the muffler removed, play a police siren sound effect and speed up to your loved one’s doorstep between 2-5:00 AM, making sure your tires squeal as you do a 180° hockey-stop in the street in front of their home. Shout furiously and ad-lib about needing to dump the cash, then grab the burlap sack (preferably with an enormous dollar sign on it written in Sharpie), knock furiously at their door for approximately four seconds, then run back to the car and drive off as fast as the Impala’s 3.4 liter V6 engine and automatic four-speed transmission can possibly handle.
Please Note: The Yorktown Sentry does not promote or condone illegal activity of any sort, especially the production, distribution or depositing of counterfeit currency. Please do not actually do this unless you want to go to prison for up to 20 years and potentially cause a localized financial crisis.
Number Five: A Bobblehead of Yourself
In a world where materialism and the obsession with possessions seems to pervade all aspects of life, it is always a good thing to remind your loved ones of the one thing that really matters in their lives: you. In order to spite a loved one who has been impossible to find a gift for this year, there is no better gift this holiday season than a bobblehead made in your image. The Yorktown Sentry has been hard at work to find you the best deal on a custom bobblehead, and we are pleased to announce our discovery of a Groupon for 52% off a custom bobblehead from allbobbleheads.com. Even if you don’t use the Groupon and opt for another manufacturer, you can rest assured that your loved one will be more than satisfied/disturbed with your personalized bobbling hunk of plastic and rubber.
How to really make the gift shine:
Using a 1/16 inch drill bit, copper wire, two AAA batteries, a pair of tweezers and a hot glue gun, replace the bobblehead’s eyes with two of the cheapest and smallest red LED lights you can find on amazon wired through to a battery pack on the back of the bobblehead with a mousetrap covering the wiring and battery pack. Then, inconspicuously, place the bobblehead on a desk or bedside table at whatever angle is necessary for the eyes to look directly at your loved one when they lie down in bed. Bonus points if you glue the statue in place so that it cannot be moved or rotated.
