The holidays are a time of celebration, family, love and joy. Each year, our holiday break provides us with an opportunity to connect with our families, to enjoy the world around us and to fill our time with meaningful experiences that we will remember for the rest of our lives. But if none of that is really your speed, then what better way to spend your winter break than by watching terrible movies? In case you need inspiration for terrible movies to watch, here is a list of some of the best terrible movies that have ever been made.
Number One: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
Introduced to American audiences in 1964, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians may be one of the worst holiday movies that has ever been made. The basic plot goes as follows: Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody to deliver gifts to the Martian children. Distraught, Earthling children Billy and Betty set out to rescue Santa and bring him back to earth. The film is a confusing sci-fi journey through the solar system, filled with Christmas tidings, plot holes and color grading that will hurt your eyes for its entire 81-minute runtime. A true masterpiece of cinema.
You can join in on the adventures of Santa, Billy, Betty and their Martian pals by watching the movie on YouTube Movies, Amazon Video, Google Play or iTunes.
Number Two: 12 Feet Deep
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “what would happen if two sisters, one a recovering heroin addict, and the other a diabetic, were trapped underneath a fiberglass pool cover for a holiday weekend?” then 12 Feet Deep might be the film you have been looking for. A true B-Movie with an A-Movie budget, the mix of questionable acting, shallow characters and overly simplistic plot might make you question why it was funded in the first place. Nevertheless, one cannot deny its entertainment value. Between strange plot holes and pointless dialogue, there are some truly funny moments, like when a morally corrupt janitor is stabbed in the ear with a piece of fiberglass for no apparent reason. Come for the confusingly simple plot, stay for the somehow engrossing storyline.
If you’re in the mood to watch a movie that makes you feel wet, cold and afraid for a full hour and a half, then you can watch 12 Feet Deep on Youtube Movies, iTunes, Google Play or Amazon Video.
Number Three: Hot Tub Time Machine
In all honesty, Hot Tub Time Machine is probably the least terrible movie on this list. Clocking in at 64% on Rotten Tomatoes, it actually has some intentional comedic merit. If you are unfamiliar with the plot line, the title essentially sums it up. Four friends who are all fairly dissatisfied with their lives get in a hot tub together, which then sends them back in time to the year 1986, giving them a second chance at better lives. In all seriousness, one of its best features is the surreal quality of seeing Clark Duke and Craig Robinson (Dale and Darryl from The Office) outside of Scranton.
If you would like to join in on this epic aquatic journey through time, it’s streaming on Youtube Movies, Amazon Video, iTunes and Google Play.
Number Four: Krampus
What happens when you take an archaic German fairy tale about an anti-Santa who kills naughty children, put it into modern times, and throw in Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation? The end result is Director Michael Dougherty’s Christmas horror movie, Krampus. Cartoonish, not-sure-if-it’s-comedic pseudo-horror? Check. Cryptic grandmother who only speaks in German? Check. Stereotypical depiction of overweight/lower-class Minnesotans in an upscale east-coast neighborhood? Check. Krampus has got it all. Honestly, there are some fairly redeeming parts of this movie, including the fact that some parts of it are intentionally humorous, and the script itself is fairly solid. It is often said that horror and comedy are the hardest genres to work with, since it is difficult to keep the former from becoming the latter. Krampus lies right on that fine line in between those two genres, perpetually undefinable.
For those seeking a little thrill to throw into their holidays, Krampus is streaming on iTunes, Google Play, HBO Go, YouTube Movies and Amazon Video.
Number Five: Santa With Muscles
Earning the coveted #78 spot on IMDB’s Bottom Rated Movies list, Santa With Muscles is a fantastic movie that never should have been made. The movie stars Hulk Hogan (yes, the World Wrestling Entertainment fighter) as a millionaire health-food tycoon who develops amnesia and thinks he is Santa Claus (how the former results in the latter is never really explained). There’s really not much else to the plot, it’s just one hour and 37 minutes of the Hulk himself shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” and engaging in other Claus-esque behavior. The film also features a young Mila Kunis. How this movie didn’t end her acting career, the world may never know.
If you’re in the mood to feel the Hulkmania™, you may unfortunately be out of luck. At the time of this article’s publication, Santa With Muscles is only available as a $45 VHS tape on Amazon.com, and there’s only one left in stock. Plenty of sites offer streaming of the movie, but all of them lie in legal gray areas. Really, though, this just adds to the film’s fashionable exclusivity. Being able to watch this cinematic gem would be a true achievement.
Number Six: The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The Fast and Furious franchise is one of cinema’s greatest mixed bags. It has produced some truly memorable movies, and some films that we wish we could forget. Tokyo Drift sits right on the fine line between terrible and terribly good. Coming in early in the series when the franchise’s writers couldn’t seem to pick a main protagonist to follow, the movie follows a brand-new hero, Sean Boswell, who, after a series of run-ins with the law due to his hobby of street racing, is sent to Japan to live with his father. Immediately deciding to begin street racing once again, but on the unfamiliar streets of Tokyo, Sean is faced with a crisis upon discovering his inability to “drift,” a street racing craze in Tokyo which enables the driver to make incredibly tight turns without losing momentum. Accompanied and instructed by his newfound pal, Han, Sean goes on a high-octane adventure through the streets of Tokyo, butting heads with a Yakuza member and his father’s authority the whole way through. The acting is bad, the plot lacks direction and the movie somehow takes place at the same time as the seventh Furious movie (even though this is the third). But the cars are fast, so who really cares?
For those in the mood to pretend their couch is the seat of a supercharged sports car, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift is available on iTunes, Vudu, Amazon Video, Google Play and YouTube Movies.
Number Seven: The Sharknado Movies
For those who have been living under a rock since 2012, Sharknado is perhaps the quintessential terrible horror movie. When a gargantuan storm hits Los Angeles, some thoroughly confused and bloodthirsty sharks are caught up in the storm, and start raining from the sky. Immediately wreaking havoc across the city, it is up to a ragtag team of everyday citizens to save the rest of the citydwellers. This plot is relatively the same for its four sequels, as well. Machine guns, chainsaws and flying sharks galore, binging on the Sharknado series should keep you entertained all break long.
To get started on your sharktacular journey with the first Sharknado movie, terrible CGI and all, head on over to YouTube Movies, Amazon Video, iTunes, Google Play or Vudu.
Number Eight: Batman and Robin (1997)
What happens when you take a classic superhero franchise, give it a $125 million budget, and give the director complete and total freedom? Unfortunately, this. 1997’s Batman and Robin film is the worst film in the franchise, and one of the worst movies in cinematic history. The dialogue is terrible, consisting more of cheesy one-liners (such as Mr. Freeze’s line, “Let’s kick some ice!”) than anything else, and the action scenes are so comical that the whole thing seems like a parody of itself. The plot is just a nonsensical smorgasbord comprised of random elements from every other Batman movie that has ever been made; Mr. Freeze, Bane and Poison Ivy decide to join forces in order to freeze all of Gotham. The one twist being that while trying to stop the dastardly villains from fulfilling their task, Batman and Robin must learn how to maintain their relationship and work together as partners. Batwoman is there, too, but literally contributes nothing to the plot. The film is a true faux pas for the Batman franchise, and nearly every second of it is painfully hilarious.
Miraculously, it is still possible to watch this film. You can find it on YouTube Movies, Amazon Video, iTunes, Google Play and Vudu.
Number Nine: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Possibly the best terrible parody film that has ever been made, 1978’s Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is one of those films that everybody should see at least once. A spoof of popular monster movies at the time, the movie features a race of tomatoes who suddenly gain sentience and go on a killing rampage throughout the world, because, well, what else would sentient tomatoes do? The film doesn’t stop at making fun of horror movies, though. Throughout its entire runtime, it pokes fun at nearly every genre of film as well as several 1970s politicians and superheroes. After catching the eyes of Hollywood executives with too much money, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes somehow went on to spawn three equally terrible/amazing sequels (Return of the Killer Tomatoes, Killer Tomatoes Strike Back and Killer Tomatoes Eat France), an animated TV show that lasted two seasons, and an NES video game.
In case you want to find tomatoes unappetizing for the rest of your life, you can watch Attack of the Killer Tomatoes on YouTube Movies, Amazon Video, iTunes, Google Play or Vudu.
Number Ten: The Room
No list of terrible movies would be complete without The Room, the 2003 film that is widely regarded as the worst movie that has ever been made. The plot (if there even is one) makes absolutely no sense, in part due to terrible acting on all fronts, but especially on the part of Tommy Wiseau, the film’s cryptic writer, director, and star. One of the best parts about this film, though, stems from how bad the acting is. None of the lines are necessarily funny, but combined with the terrible timing and delivery that The Room’s actors regularly provide, they become some of the funniest and most iconic lines in bad movie history. The Room came out of nowhere, and faded into obscurity immediately after its release, but eventually gained a strong cult following over the years. As a result, the film has caught mainstream attention lately after catching the eye of James Franco, whose new film, The Disaster Artist, in which he plays Wiseau, documents the making of The Room. The newfound attention is well deserved, too. For all of its pitfalls, it is probably the most entertaining terrible movie that has ever been made. Everything that makes The Room terrible also makes it strangely beautiful, in a quirky, messed-up sort of way.
If you would like to check watching the world’s worst movie off of your bucket list, you may, unfortunately, encounter a little bit of difficulty in the process. The DVD is available on Amazon (and is prime-eligible, making it a pretty decent last-minute Christmas gift for the quirkiest member of your family), and the E Street Cinema in Washington, D.C. offers screenings of the movie on the second Friday and Saturday of every month. Other than that, running a quick Google search for “watch The Room” can churn up plenty of sites offering free streaming of the film, but the legality of using such sites is somewhat questionable, and you wouldn’t do anything like that to the hardworking men and women of Hollywood, would you?
