“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.” A murder case as old as time, and one so popular that musical group Elmo & Patsy wrote a song about it. However, this seemingly open-and-shut case may not be as simple as it appears.
“She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog, and we’d begged her not to go, but she forgot her medication. She staggered out the door into the snow,” her son, who chose to remain anonymous, said.
Her body was found early Christmas morning, leading forensic detectives to believe the accident took place somewhere between 10 p.m-2 a.m.on Christmas Eve night. Police reports that came out after the incident detailed the extent of her injuries. She sustained severe trauma to her skull and upper body, with hoof prints on her forehead and “Santa Claus marks” on her back. It was these exact markings that led detectives to conclude her accident was caused by Claus’ reindeer.
While the case was ruled a Reindeer hit-and-run, insiders on the police force claim the decision was hastily formed. They believe the ruling harbors a deeper, and much darker, secret.
Family of Grandma have also expressed concern with the verdict. After decades of repeated requests to investigate further, their pleas were finally acknowledged. Nearly 45 years after the decision, authorities decided to reopen the case. Our experts set out to interview those closest to the new investigation.
“The biggest thing you have to worry about [in this case] is conservation of momentum and impulse. A massive reindeer running at a certain velocity is going to cause Grandma to gain velocity. Gaining velocity on its own isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but how quickly Grandma gains velocity can determine how much damage is done, ” Physics teacher Chesa Brawner said.
This crucial statistic was conveniently left out of the investigation. Authorities claimed heavy snowfall made it impossible to tell where Grandma was hit and where she ended up.
“From a scientific standpoint, without this evidence, I cannot say for sure [if it was a reindeer],” Brawner said.
One thing people are certain of was how little Grandma’s husband, Grandpa, was affected by her death. Some say they didn’t see him cry once.
“We’re all so proud of Grandpa, he’s been takin’ this so well. See him in there watchin’ football, drinkin and playin’ cards with cousin Belle,” his son said.
Some view this lack of emotion with a little more suspicion, claiming only a guilty husband could feel such indifference.
“I don’t trust Grandpa at all. Who was the first to claim that a reindeer did it? Grandpa. Who was the one to report the incident? Grandpa. Doesn’t that seem a little suspicious?” an anonymous source said.
Others think Grandpa is just putting on a brave face. They claim it wasn’t him, but instead a secret government operative run by the CIA.
“It just seemed a little too convenient, don’t you think? I think Grandma knew too much and the CIA had to put an end to it,” another anonymous source said.
While these theories certainly have some weight to them, don’t wait around hoping for a Christmas miracle. Authorities say DNA lab results are still pending, with their estimates falling somewhere between January 2025 and July 3032.
“We want to make this very clear. We will not rest until this killer is put behind bars, whether animal or human,” head police chief Blitzen Vitzen said.
Police encourage everyone to report any suspicious activity to 1-800-DEERSANTA, offering rewards up to three carrots.
This investigation is ongoing. We will update with more information as it’s released.
