Owen McArdle’s Guide to a Pretty Much Perfect Prom Dress

Owen McArdle, Staff Reporter

It’s that time of year again. The subtle signs of spring are beginning to show and with them come the excitement of summer, graduation and the distressing, life-changing, emotional roller coaster that is searching for a prom dress. In order to help you look your best for this occasion of infinite importance, I will be breaking down the foxiest dresses to wear and the cheapest places to find them. The guide below follows:

Ground Rules:

No white. No black. Do you really want to be that one girl who thinks she’s the main character at a wedding? Didn’t think so. As for black, it’s not winter and it’s not a funeral. Lighten up. Keep the colors light to match the colors of the season, but don’t go overboard. If you make the conscious decision to go for a busy dress, that’s on you. Just go easy on the jewelry, because remember: a busy dress means no busy jewelry. You don’t want to look like a Christmas tree in June. Here is a quick list of no-nos: scales, masks, horns, tails, straps, belts, tights, sequins and converse. Now that your tool box is filled up, let’s build the dress.

The Dresses:


The first thing you notice about this dress might be the sparkling scales that cover this poor model like snakeskin. Or it might be the price tag. This dress is just blasphemy and should remain off limits at all costs.


Here exists a paradox. The design of this dress is a classic: cut leg, thin shoulder straps, long and well fitted. The pattern, however, is hideous. Flowers bulge and overcrowd the pattern, making the model look like a walking optical illusion rather than a stunna. The base color is ratchet and does not complement the white flowers whatsoever. Although this dress should be blacklisted, similarly priced styles with different colors can be found on Revolve as well.


The slipper had better fit if you decide to wear this dress, because if not, Prince Charming is going to take one look at you and gag from second hand embarrassment. In other words, don’t go for Cinderella unless you have the confidence of one of those little white dogs that barks as if it were a dinosaur. You really have to be that girl to wear this. Color is nice, though! Also, no price tag can be found on this website, hinting towards the fact that it costs more than a Washington Golf membership.


As a well-versed, experienced, accomplished critic, this dress is my favorite on the list. Although it is not your typical long, flowy prom dress, the soft lavender and white flower combination could make me cry. The shoulder design helps to evoke your stunning collarbones and the light tones of the dress are just about perfect for a spring dance.


Now we are talking. Color: check. Style: check. Meow. This dress truly has my heart. The knee peeks through the dress like a crescent moon and the light colors complement the season. Lulus has lots of cheap yet gorgeous dresses just like these.


Here we are. The last dress on the list. It has been quite the journey and I am so glad you stuck it out to the end. This dress has it all. Flow, tone, color, length, price, you can practically feel the warm breeze drift through the long ruffles as you stand, staring at the sunset, thinking about how ethereal you look at prom. Wow.