On one day every year, America’s populace experiences levels of division and polarization seen nowhere else in the world. This day is, of course, when the season’s first holiday song reaches radio waves. As the battle between holiday lovers and Grinches of all descriptions rages on, those unfortunate enough to be caught in the middle yearn for some set of standards, a definitive list laying out holiday music conventions once and for all. Do not fear, young ones: your call has been answered.
“All I Want for Christmas is You”: As ubiquitous as it is catchy, this classic is a good song in a bad situation: chronic overplay. Given a full year off, it would likely return to the good graces of even the most steadfast Grinch. Avoid for 2021-22, but in following years it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy from late November onwards.
“Feliz Navidad”: By far the highest-quality holiday song, it is best enjoyed in mid-July, but is suitable for radios and personal playlists year-round.
“I Have a Little Dreidel”: Lighthearted and optimistic, the dreidel song fills the listener with the same sense of joy that might affect the owner of the eponymous toy. It may be played at any time of year, but do so sparingly: its more repetitive qualities threaten annoyance.
“Baby It’s Cold Outside”: Some people like this song! They should go to jail. Do not play.
“The Little Drummer Boy”: Lil Drummer is by far the best producer to come out of the East coast, creating such hits as “Carol of the Drum” and “Steady Mobbin.” Out of respect for the late Joshua the Camel, its playback may begin in September.
“Let it Snow”: The song’s warmth and good nature is spoiled by how abhorrently dull it actually is. Despite the lack of any remotely interesting songwriting, it can be soothing when paired with hot chocolate and cold weather. December 18.
“Jingle Bell Rock”: Though the tune itself is not unduly offensive, its status as background music for every mall in the country tires it out fast. While acceptable for radio play from late November onwards, retail stores may not use it.
“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”: Incredibly condescending. I am beyond the age at which my holidays are little, and it is insulting that songwriter Ralph Blaine would attempt to imply that I am not. No, Ralph, I will not have myself a merry little Christmas. This song should be banished from the holiday rotation entirely.
“Santa Baby”: Equivalent to flirting with a disinterested mailman. Never suitable.
“Winter Wonderland”: This song is absolutely insane. From start to finish it constitutes a wild ride of alliteration, scarcely leaving the listener time to catch their breath from one “w” to the next. Though catchy, it is mentally taxing enough that it should not be broken out before December.
“All I Want for Christmas is You X Crank That Soulja Boy”: One of the great songs of the modern era. Whether used to get sturdy in July or December, it never fails to spark holiday cheer and good feelings. A year-round classic.
Pentatonix Christmas Music: Pentatonix is the Jonas Brothers of Christmas music. Once sporting a clean and kid-friendly front, the band’s image has more recently devolved into a cesspool of debauchery. Excellent direction to go in. October 8, 3:06 pm EST.
“Good King Wenceslas”: Until anyone can tell me what this song is actually about or who Stephen is, I do not want to hear it.
“Frosty the Snowman”: This heartwarming song remains the best way to educate young children about the certainty of the human condition. Though Frosty may have become a puddle in the sun, he remains both jolly and frozen in our hearts. The song may be played from the first snowfall onwards.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”: Though many are fooled into the belief that the song has a happy ending, the true moral is that those that are different are only useful insofar as their nose can be used as a fog light. In summer months or calmer weather, Rudolph would just be a funky-looking little fellow targeted by bullies. This is very funny. October.
“Carol of the Bells”: From the moment the choir kicks off, one can be certain that they are in for a few minutes of high-octane action. No other holiday song can fill the listener with a greater sense of unbridled power and conviction. It should be played year-round whenever an energy boost of cosmic proportions is required.
“Last Christmas”: Though it may seem on its face a simple tale of friendly organ exchange, more sophisticated listeners may discern from this song the story of a spurned lover. The perfectly reasonable and intelligent audience that does not immediately grasp the tune’s higher-level symbolism should be forgiven and not laughed at because that is mean. Early December.
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”: One of the saddest Christmas songs, it tells a tale of a misunderstood neighbor attempting to express the stressful nature of the holidays. The moral of kindness to all regardless of holiday preference is important year-round, but it may be relegated to the post-Halloween months if necessary.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”: As the only popular Christmas song about vehicular manslaughter, it shows that comedy is not, in fact, dead. The only risk of beginning its playback early is too much joy for 11-year-old boys. Late November.
“Sky”: Hey, do you guys listen to Playboi Carti?
