Top Five Worst Christmas Albums

David Hasselhoff wins the award for worst Christmas album
David Hasselhoff wins the award for worst Christmas album
Photo courtesy of https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0011Y6GK2/185-4661253-6515860?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0

I don’t really know how to start this except for run. Run away as fast as you can from these albums. When I suggested the task of reviewing the worst Christmas albums I had no idea that they would be this bad. Nevertheless, I have done it and can tell you, man, these albums suck. Now in order for albums to be eligible I had really only one criteria: it could not be bad on purpose. That is why atrocities like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and William Hung’s Hung For the Holidays are not included on this list. That being said, let’s get into the yellow snow that are these projects.

 

  1. James Brown – A Soulful Christmas

What a disappointment this album was. I had heard about this project awhile back but I could have not expected the master of funk and soul James Brown would put out an album this lazy and unpolished. The album starts with an intro that although may be only 3:03 minutes but feels like it last for an eternity. The grooves never really kick in on the track and leaving everything feeling hollow and empty. Things do not really get better from here as Brown delivers some of his most lackluster grooves he has ever produced. Most of the album simply blends together in one incomprehensible blob of sounds that sucks away my holiday cheer.

 

  1. Lynyrd Skynyrd – Christmas Time Again

Oh Lynyrd Skynyrd, your southern rock tunes are renowned across the world, why oh why would you think creating a southern rock tinged christmas album was a good idea. The dramatics on this album are so over the top I found myself bursting out in laughter when trying to take is seriously. The entire album uses the same drowned out guitar sounds except for maybe one song. The band also decides that nothing spreads Christmas cheer like telling everyone that “Santa Claus wants some lovin’.” I kid you not this is not only a lyric but the basis of an entire song. I was pretty much left in disbelief after that and couldn’t even finish the project, I had gotten all I needed. If you want some Lynyrd Skynyrd listen to any of their first three projects but whatever you do, stay away from this.

 

  1. New Kids On The Block – Merry Merry Christmas

This was the first album in the bunch I listened to that put me at a loss for words. If you are not familiar with the new kids on the block then let me catch you up to speed, the basically established the modern template for a boy band. Caught up? Great, let’s move on. This project doesn’t know what it wants. It starts out with a message from the band explaining how this song is very serious and how everyone needs to listen up because “we’re New Kids On the Block and this song about the children.” This is followed up by, and I kid you not, a song about how crazy, with funky and cookie Santa Claus is. The album wants to be this cool and rad funky Christmas, but gives mixed messages by throwing in serious songs. If you wanted to be a big stupid fun Christmas album then fine, do that—don’t give me a couple serious and and then overly goofy songs; stick to a tone. The tone is the largest issue, besides cheesy instrumentals and god awful rapping (Makes Iggy Azalea look like 2Pac). Merry Merry Christmas is a jumbled mess of R&B ballads and bland hip-hop that could act as coal in anyone’s stocking.

 

  1. Crazy Frog – Last Christmas EP

Going to be honest here: I didn’t make it through the first song the first four times I tried listening to it and there are only three songs on this EP. I mean wow just wow is this bad. Let me paint a picture for you: take the most generic pop song you can think off add some frog sounds and 90s sounds techno beats and you have this album. There is not much more to say then that. Everything is bad. The lyrics are generic and tired, the instrumental annoying bland and my gosh the frog makes me want to rip my ears off. Truly terrible avoid at all costs. I was convinced this was the worst I would have to listen to; then, I heard David Hasselhoff’s The Night Before Christmas.

 

  1. David Hasselhoff – The Night Before Christmas

David, I am gonna give you a little advice right here; stick to acting, please for the sake of my ears stick to acting. This is not only one of the worst Christmas albums I have ever heard, this is one of the worst albums I have ever heard period. Starting with the music itself, everything sounds like it was pulled out of a lifetime movie with cheesy clearly added transitions within the song. To make things worse Hasselhoff can not sing to save his life, so to combat this his voice is layered over and over again to create this horrible effect to make his voice appear more layered and deeper. Hasselhoff also is not afraid to stop in the middle of some of the songs and deliver a heartfelt message on what he feels is the true meaning of Christmas. This happens several times and completely breaks the already awful flow of the album. The album is not short either: there are a solid twelve tracks to get through and each one feels like it takes forever. By the end of the listen I was floored by the quality of this album. The Night Before Christmas is one of those projects where you think it is a joke but you slowly realize that every aspect of this album is serious and is trying to touch you. This makes it even more sad that this album completely fails on every single level.

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